Quite a few years ago, L&NW ran a short piece about a lawyer who collected labels with warnings – submitted by people from all over – and gave out cash awards for the winners of his annual Wacky Warning Labels competition. His name is Bob Dorigo Jones, and his entertaining pastime is still going.

The editors of this magazine have stacks of labels given to them by converters worldwide. One fine day I was examining one of them, a film label for a children’s shampoo, complete with fun characters and designs intended, I assumed, to keep them happy in the bath. There, in small type, were the following words: “Keep Away From Children.” Surreal, I thought. A little research led me to Jones, who has quite a bit to say on the subject.

Most of you know what a Dremel tool is. It’s a hand-held router designed for finer types of work. The owner’s manual for Dremel’s Multi-Pro rotary tool contains this delightful bit of text: “This product is not intended for use as a dental drill or in medical applications.”

You are forgiven if your first reaction is laughter. After all, the image of someone making that mistake has a cartoon quality to it. But then it hits you: Why is this warning included here? Did somebody … actually … ??

Was it a real doctor with a bad idea, or was it some kid with no risk filter? The warning must be there for some reason, right? Read on.

“The plaintiff’s bar has plenty to do with this silly – and costly – trend. Sham product-liability cases can rack up very real damages,” wrote Forbes magazine.

Bob Dorigo Jones says that his annual contest reveals what wacky warning labels say about the USA, a nation known for its litigiousness.

“If you counted every warning label you saw from the time you wake up to the time you go to bed, the labels would certainly include warnings on bathroom products, kitchen appliances, your car, bus, train, office products, and things you find in your garage,” Jones says. “And some of them are downright silly. Have you ever looked at the silver scooter your kids or grandkids use (or which you used as a child, depending on your age)? Right there on the handlebar between the grips is a warning that says: ‘This product moves when used.’ Really!”

The Center for America, a non-profit organization that sponsors the contest each year, does so “to highlight how our lives are changing by living in the most lawsuit-happy society on earth,” Jones states. “Labels like these are put on things all around us because product makers and retailers know if they don’t put these warnings there, they can be sued. Even if we already know what they’re warning us about.”

Wait for it
“One year, the makers of a popular wood router were sued by a man in Texas after he decided to use a tool meant for carpenters on his teeth and didn’t like the results. Now, he obviously should have known not to use a wood router to perform dental work. And the courts should have immediately dismissed his lawsuit. But that didn’t stop his lawsuit from moving through the courts and becoming a real pain for the product maker. That’s why the product user guide provided to consumers who purchased that wood router would later feature a new warning: ‘This product is not intended for use as a dental drill.’ Ugh.”

The first prize winner in the 2016 competition was found by an Indiana woman on a toy Star Wars light saber. It reads: “For Accessory Use Only. Not to Be Used as a Battle Device.”  The Pentagon did not respond to emails as of press time.

“Behind all of this humor is a serious point,” says Jones. “The lawsuits that are clogging our courts are piling costs on consumers and hurting our economy.” For 2014, The Insurance Information Institute reports the median jury award in product liability lawsuits was $3 million; the average was $5.2 million. The ever-rising cost of liability insurance is built into the price of every product and service.

Jones continues: “A study that compared America’s tort system with other countries revealed that if US tort costs were comparable in size with costs in other industrialized countries, we could save $589 billion per year for investment in new jobs and consumer spending.

“There is certainly a place for legitimate product liability lawsuits. But we also need judges and policymakers to give personal responsibility and common sense a place in our courts again. Just think if all the money we’re now spending on excessive litigation was spent on job creation or innovation instead. It would give a tremendous boost to our economy.”

For your edification, here are some of the more entertaining of the Wacky Warning Labels.

• On a package of Nytol sleep aid pills:
• May cause drowsiness.
• On a hand-held hair dryer:
• Do not use while sleeping.
• On a vanishing ink fabric marker:

• On a scooter:
• This product moves when used.
• On an Apple iPod Shuffle:
• Do not eat.
• On a small tractor:
• Avoid death.
• On an egg carton:
• This product may contain eggs.
• On a chain saw:
• Danger – Do not hold the wrong end of a chain saw.
• On a blow torch gas bottle:
• Contents may catch fire.
• On a reflective sun shade for car dashboards:
• Do not drive with sun shield in place.